No reservations, no regrets - I don't hate that I didn't know then what I know now

My class seems quite nonjudgmental and forgiving about the diversity of Filipino ethnic performance (or nonperformance).

Oh, please! C'mon, give me some hate. Haven't I created a safe environment to share your honest thoughts?

Huh?

Okay, so at the beginning of the semester I asked everyone to write an essay about themselves and answer the question (no matter what their race) what they think it means to be Filipino American. Last night, I literally cut out sentences from their essays and randomly stuffed them into five envelopes. Today I divided the class into five groups, gave each an envelope and asked them to do a thematic analysis of the contents.

But before dividing the group up, I showed clips from Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Philippines episode. I chose clips that showed the diverse influences we have, and Augusto and his identity crisis. In between I asked the group for their reactions and a few pointed questions. Two of the students (both Filipino) saw it when it aired. They both thought it was a fair representation of the diversity of food, for an hour-long show.

When I asked the group to describe to me what authentic Filipino food is, most of them responded with a variation of "it depends." I probably conditioned that response so I asked it another way: if you ate at a Filipino restaurant, what would make you give it a good rating? One student volunteered that he does expect a certain saltiness, reminiscent of his mother's cooking. Then I showed the clip where one (probably uncharacteristically well-stocked) cook explained the commonality of sourness. I skipped over the clip that proclaimed the commonality to be bitterness. So even in defining what's common, we have to allow for diversity: salty, sour and bitter.

Then I showed Augusto's audition tape, his meeting up with Bourdain in Cebu where he explains his detachment from being Filipino, and Bourdain's disappointment with Augusto's inability to be a guide. Three students quickly raised their hands:

"Bourdain is expecting too much. The kid grew up in NY. Culture does not stay with you like skin color. I spent a week with relatives in Germany and I couldn't explain the cuisine. Eating is not the same as knowing the meaning." I wasn't expecting these insights.

But those three students were not Filipino, so I asked the Filipino students: what do you think? Is this hitting close to home? Chuckles. Most of them are Augusto. One Cebuana said that her family is just like what they showed: quiet. And besides a film crew can be intimidating. Another said that when he went home, they didn't have a parade for him. They identified with feeling like an outsider in the Philippines, with feeling detached from "Filipino."

And when I pressed, they recognized the pressure of Bourdain's expectation, however unrealistic. Relatives, friends and strangers, Filipino and not, often expect us to know the culture we came from, as if culture was innate or inherited. And we're expected to retrieve it easily, as if we just temporarily misplaced it. We all agreed, as Bourdain said, that no matter how much we read, eat, try and (re)learn the language, we can never go home.

So then the group activity started. Here are just a few of the responses that they were categorizing (paraphrased, I had about 90 clippings, 18 per group).

A Filipino American is...
- Filipino first.
- an American. Filipino is just a description of root and origin.
- are from close knit families and groups.
- something I have only recently become proud of.
- is proud and connected to his roots.
- must first be active in taking part in cultural practices to earn the right to be labeled as such.
- short, brown, loud, kind, driven, hard working, funny, hospitable [these got categorized under the theme of stereotype].

After all was said and done, they were quite willing to accept the diversity of opinions on what it means to be Filipino American. I liked the apparent dichotomies in the responses, so I tested them: So Augusto was not Filipino American until he got interested in his culture? Yes, he was--they were adamant--yes he is. He wasn't self-aware, but that doesn't mean he's not Filipino American. I don't get to tell him he's not Filipino.

Oh, please! C'mon, give me some hate. Haven't I created a safe environment to share your honest thoughts?

Seriously, though, I'm glad they are so nonjudgmental. But I'll have other opportunities to hit them in the gut with the reading that's coming up. I'm going for affective learning (heart) as well as intellectual.

One comment that I recognized as my own judgmental bias was this:

- just being the child of Filipino immigrants may qualify you, but if you aren't divesting [I think she meant investing] a certain amount interest into wanting to learn moare about your culture, your family, or the struggles that the Filipino community faces, then what's the point?

This is me at times because, as an activist, I have often wondered, why am I the only Filipino in this room full of Asians fighting for xxx issue? The aunties put on their banquets and uncles proclaim a vague pride in being Filipino, but where are they when it matters?

I know, though, that the criticism is unfair. I judge from a position of privilege--educated, English-speaking, assimilated--and fortunate to have had my consciousness raised and get paid for it. I am Augusto, more so than my students, because I was probably the same age as him when I decided to wrestle with identity (and I don't blame my parents cuz they were as colonized as I was whitewashed). I don't hate that I didn't know then what I know now.

And now I have a unique opportunity to teach a class on Filipino American activism.

This excerpt best exemplifies the class's inclusiveness:

To me, the definition of being Filipino American is as flexible a term as the people who embody it. There is no qualification to being Fil-Am--you don't need to know Tagalog, you don't need to eat "our food." The more Americans we can also call Filipino the better.

There is no right or wrong answer, the kids want to say (just like in my other class). Okay, I said, I can accept that. But there are consequences. Foreshadowing...

Have a good spring break!